New Old Me

Maybe I asked you before, but did you ever had a feeling like the life behind you feels like a distant dream sometimes?
Bridal Veil Falls - detail bw
When I think of my life, I can remember all the way back to that rainy November day – I think I was 5 or so – when my parents took me to my grandma in Croatia to spend almost a year in a small village that was the special place for me in the decades to come; or one hot summer day, probably the same year, when my other grandma and I went to my first ever riding in a tram ( I was so little I couldn’t take a look through a window even while being on a wooden seat); or even earlier, but memories of my parents in our small house are too blurry that I can’t tell the difference between imagination and reality. When I go through all those years behind me, it often feels like a few different dreams I had. Everything feels so distant and like it belongs to someone else, yet I am very aware that it was me and my life behind.
Alone in the waves
First part was my early childhood, careless years full of everyday’s wonders that suddenly turned into my teenage high school life. Sometime during the autumn of 1984. I got that feeling for the first time in my life – a feeling that everything before looked like a dream, a dream of someone else’s life. I didn’t spend too much time thinking of that, I guess I was too young for serious thoughts about life. Until it happened again, almost ten years later, when my ex-homeland was deep into the way of disintegrating itself in a war. I remember I thought about the time before the war and it suddenly felt like it never happened to me. That it was something I read about or seen in a movie. Like in a dream, as I said before. Back then I gave it a little bit more thinking, trying to search for moments that would prove that it was all just a dream – or that it was not, proving that everything, actually, happened. And there it was, all the details that I could remember were still there but, nevertheless, it still felt like it was not my life. How could it be when it was all so different at the time (later, during NATO campaign against my country in 1999, I had the same shocking feeling that I could not remember what the life was like before bombing started). In the early years of 21st century, the same feeling was there again. Life changed so much that “dark 90s”, as some call that decade in Serbia, felt like it never happened. Or like it happened to someone else. By now, I guess you know what I’m talking about πŸ˜›
Pacific & the rock - Juan de Fuca trail
Interesting thing about that feeling is that nothing really happens at once; sometimes I can feel the change coming but usually “the feeling” comes years after a change(s) starts. All the little changes blend together in a big one and I become aware of the here and now and some time of past and what will come in future. But everything else feels distant and detached from my present I. Why is it happening?
Olujni dan
One big change happened in my life just a few days ago. I became Canadian citizen; some things changed, some remained the same. But when I look back at last 5-6 years and all the things that happened in my life, I have that feeling again. Like everything between 2000. and 2009. was not my life. Or, better, it was and it wasn’t, at the same time, like my consciousness split and I am looking at that time from two different points.
20150908_124449_resized
Waiting for the next time when I will have that feeling again, I will end this post with my favourite quote from Hagakure:

“It is a good viewpoint to see the world as a dream.
When you have a nightmare, you will wake up and tell yourself that it was only a dream.
It is said that the world we live in is not a bit different from this.”

Kentucky lake10

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41 Responses to New Old Me

  1. sprytely50 says:

    Welcome to Canada!
    I sincerely hope you find everything you dreamed of here and that we are treating you well.
    Cheers

    • gdare says:

      Thank you! Even though I live here for almost 4 years, now I feel that I really belong here. To say the truth, I got that feeling about 2 years ago but now it is like my life has a very new beginning, if you know what I mean πŸ™‚

  2. snoopy says:

    but is it safe

  3. Furie says:

    Eh, welcome to Canada buddy. #terribleTerrenceAndPhillipImpression

    I used to have a completely sane theory that throughout our lives we just happen to walk through tiny little wormholes that drop us in almost identical parallel universes. That’s why so much of what we remember actually happened a little differently when we talk to people about it, or why certain tiny details can sometimes seem wrong.

    You know, this is the comment the newspapers will print when I go on my inevitable killing spree.

    • gdare says:

      lol
      You know, a thought about parallel universes was in my mind when I was writing this post yesterday, but I didn’t want to go there. I wanted this post to have a philosophical and melancholic feeling in it. Going into parallel universe would add some SF into it, which is not a bad idea. I just didn’t feel that way. Blame a lot of books that I read recently, some of them with historical subjects in them. History means passing of time, so there we are πŸ˜€

      • Furie says:

        No science fiction? You realise that’s like 93% of my personality and knowledge base, don’t you? So um, how about that weather eh?

        I’ve been quite reflective myself recently, trying to look to the past without either rosy coloured spectacles or blame colouring my views. It’s been an eye opener, and kind of nice to see how this progressed to that and then onto this. The way you feel when it’s happening though. Oh, if only I could have told that handsome young man what was really going on. Seriously, such a handsome ma… Oh right, you said no sci-fi.

  4. Adele Brand says:

    Congratulations on getting your Canadian citizenship!

    I understand what you mean about the past having an intangible quality. Perhaps life just comes in chapters, and each has something to teach us.

    • gdare says:

      Thank you, Adele!
      That’s a good analogy, like a chapters in a book. Not that I am ready to write a biography though, I expect to see more chapters coming my way πŸ˜€

  5. volkuro says:

    Congratulations Darko,

    This is a very nice post. I’m glad to have been a witness of all the great things that I happened in your life in the last 5-6 years and I wish you both many many more years of happiness.

    Welcome to Canada my fellow citizen! πŸ™‚

    • gdare says:

      Thank you Louis!!! You were one of my first friends from good old My Opera Community and you know a lot of what happened in my life since 2007, I believe. Hope to see you more on line and more of your photographs. Do you have account on Flickr or somewhere else, do you post your photographs on line?

    • sanshanb says:

      And just in time for the federal election! Woohoo!

  6. pam says:

    Darko, great post. You wrote this at a perfect time….for me…. because I am in, or having one of those dream like things happening. After living in Fargo for five years and experiencing all that I did: taking care of my granddaughter, the brutally cold winters, showing my art work in many art shows, it almost feels like it was a long time ago, or in a dream even though I haven’t been gone long. I’ve only been back in Arizona a month and a half, yet I fell right back into being comfortable in my home state despite the heat and feeling as if I never left. Strange….these dream like feelings. I’ve gotten them often throughout my life and I suspect I’ll have a few more.

    Another strange thing, I read your post last night, almost right after you put it up but I was just going to sleep so I decided to wait till in the morning to use the computer rather than thumb type on the cell. And guess what…..I dreamt about it all night. I thought of all the times I’ve had that dream like state, where things have changed or turned upside down in my life and how it affected me and everyone else. Well, I do that all the time with whatever I’m reading at night…..in my dreams, I become a character in the story.

    And now to turn the page……

    • gdare says:

      Thanks Pam. I think you mentioned on FB that you returned to Arizona and that was kind of surprise, I thought you moved to North Dakota for good. But maybe north was too cold for you πŸ˜€
      A piece of advice: don’t read any horror before going to bed πŸ˜€

      • pam says:

        Oh, no….NO reading horror books at night OR syfy on tv. Have had nightmares from doing both. In fact, I had to stop reading Dean Koontz’ books because the last one I read horrified me too much. I like reading old books or rather, books set in the 12th thru 19th centuries. Read several by Mary Stewart who wrote a series about King Arthur and Merlin the Magician. Many of Dostoevsky’s and so many more. Can’t remember them all. Right now I’m reading a couple of books by His Holiness the Dalai Lama. Brings me peace and calmness at night.

        Long story about Fargo. I sort of thought I was going there for good as well, however, sometimes things don’t always pan out the way you first thought. But I am happy back in Arizona and settling in. Living in my son and dil’s house. They have gone to her native country of Vietnam for I don’t know how long….2 years? Forever? Don’t know.

  7. pam says:

    Oh, and congratulations on becoming a Canadian.

  8. sanshanb says:

    I feel strangely happy and relieved. It’s been a while. πŸ™‚

    • gdare says:

      It feels the same as when I finally came to Canada in 2011 πŸ™‚ ❀

    • pam says:

      Yes, it has been a while. I’m hoping to be a little more active on WP. Using a better computer for one thing. There for a while, all I had was a cell phone which I find a nuisance to use. Sort of ok for FB which I’m on everyday, but not for blogging.

  9. pam says:

    Oh wait….you were saying that to Darko weren’t you San? Duh! Lol!

  10. subacati says:

    Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream…

    It’s the Matrix I tell ya! πŸ˜›
    Congratulations! πŸ˜€

  11. I prefer to forget maybe because I do not have a lot of happy memories , it my way to live i try to forget yesterday and not to think about tomorrow ,just i live my day .
    Believe me, my friend sometimes forgetting is a big grace.
    But I think getting a Canadian citizenship an important event that you can not forgotten easily , congrats gdare .

  12. d4rkn1ght says:

    Congratulations! πŸ™‚ and welcome to Canada from the States, or maybe I should say, welcome to the Americas! πŸ˜€

  13. Words says:

    Congratulations. I’ve only just seen this. And a great post (love the Oz transition into colour), and I think this is the true meaning when people talk of ‘past lives’. We should all have many.

  14. coisart says:

    Congrats on your citizenship! Sorry I am not much online anymore or as much as I would like but glad to see some good things happening .

  15. kimmzifoo says:

    Hey, sorry I’m late to this. I’m really pleased you got your citizenship. You still have a way with words and photography, as well, I see. Some things do not change, even if the person does.

    • gdare says:

      It’s ok Kimmie, this is not something that happened and gone away – this one stays with me πŸ˜€

      Thanks, I am trying mys best with photography and it is not too hard when you are surrounded with beautiful nature, I am just a button pusher πŸ˜€

  16. Wonderful post, Dare … I’m around, starting to catch up. Not much photography yet, but time will take care of that, I think.

  17. Jill says:

    Wonderful post, Darko. Congratulations on your Canadian citizenship! How very special and exciting! Enjoyed these photos.

    My past memories are quite vivid some of them. Some hard moments and chapters of my past aren’t with me anymore- the pain of them, that is. For that I’m grateful. I recall how terrible grieved or depressed I was, yet that part is not tangible. Yet, some things regrettable and painful now would be nice to leave behind or forget. It’s important always to count blessings… helps with perspective. Forgiveness and grace are what helps a person to keep going in hard times. Sometimes I wish I could go back and live some things again, however. I’d do things differently.

    If I lived through a war it would be good to have it fade, as a dream does.

    • gdare says:

      Thank you, Jill. It was a special moment for both San and me, indeed.

      You know, at first I was thinking it would be better to forget some bad things that happened long time ago. But in time, even though some details faded, I learnt how to live with bad memories, how to accept them as something that happened and was gone forever.

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